Guidance
by Amy Blue
Summary: Lucy defends the purpose of her relationship with Kevin. She's not crazy, no, not at all...


Author's Note: I don't own anyone mentioned in the story, nor do I own "Breathe Your Name" by Sixpence None the Richer.

I know I'm not perfect. I never have been. I haven't always cared, but it matters to me more now that I've decided to follow in Dad's footsteps and become a minister. A minister must be pure of heart; a minister must not succumb to temptation; a minister must not know the weaknesses of the flesh. I am not pure of heart, I have succumbed to temptation, and I have known the weaknesses of the flesh. It didn't matter to me then the way it does now. That's why I'm so grateful for the revelation sent to me. I didn't even see it before, his potential to help me become what I want to be, what I need to be. 

_with every day I'm in this place  
I feel this way, I feel the same  
is it all inside my head?_

Do you remember when we were little, and we would be trying hard to calm our heartbeats down and count sheep, but when Mom came in, we'd pretend to be asleep because we knew what was coming? I would pull the sheet up over me and kick the blanket down before she came in to say good night. Then she would tiptoe in and pull the blanket up over me, and then I was warm and safe and loved. It felt so nice just to know that someone cared that much about me, to be concerned about my safety, to want to keep me well. That's what this is like.

_I view the list and take my pick  
I view my faith and make a choice  
'cause it's nobody else's but mine_

I remember the first time he did it. I had been reviewing our relationship, turning each day over and over in my mind, wondering why I had agreed to marry him so quickly, wondering why I had thought I would want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He came home, and I was absorbed in my own thoughts. He was talking to me, and I was annoyed, because he wasn't saying what I needed him to say. I wanted him to read my mind, to assure me that I had made the right decision, to show me some quality that would make him worthy of my vows, my virginity, my one and only chance at happily-ever-after. There had been so many before him that I could have chosen. I wanted him to show me why I had chosen him.   
  
And then he did.

_from behind the wheel  
when I lose control  
I can only breathe your name_

I hadn't been listening very well, but then he mentioned Roxanne, and I can't explain what happened. I had spent hours thinking about how I might not even want Kevin, yet the mention of another girl's name continued to drive me crazy. I snapped. "How can you be friendly with her?" I wanted to take it back, but my voice just kept floating out into the room, like it wasn't even me controlling it. I wouldn't say, "Are you blind? She's a slut, and she's after you. Anyone could see that. Why do you pretend it's not happening? Do you think I'm stupid?" Finally my voice was silent, and I watched him carefully. What did I want? Did I want him to agree with me, did I want him to concede defeat? His eyes rolled, then closed. He took a deep breath.   
  
It would be easy to say, in retrospect, that of course I saw it coming. I'm not so sure that's true, but I guess I'll say it anyway. It makes the memory nicer. His fist connected with my stomach and even if I had seen it coming I don't think I could have predicted what happened next. All the air left my lungs and I fell backward, forever, onto the bed. The next thing I knew he was by my side, saying, "I'm sorry, I love you, I had to," and I couldn't say anything. I couldn't tell him he didn't have to be sorry. I couldn't tell him I understood why he'd done it, and that I was glad. I couldn't tell him it was exactly what I had wanted from him, even if I hadn't known it before. I couldn't tell him it was the best thing he could have done for me. And I couldn't tell him that maybe I even liked it

_I need the truth, I need some grace  
I need the path to find my place  
the part of you that's part of me will never die, will never leave  
and it's nobody else's but mine_

When my breath came back I found the words and I told him how much I appreciated it. He stepped back, he looked away, and I could tell he still felt guilty. I assured him that I understood why he'd done it, and that it had actually been exactly what I'd wanted him to do. He didn't understand then, but I think he gets it now. Look at Mom. In school, she was easy. She could have gone down the wrong path so easily if it hadn't been for Dad, right? But he found her; he fixed her. Now Kevin is doing that for me. Because God gives us what we need. God gives us what we deserve. Every day I wake up and he's still here, I thank the Lord for sending me this guidance, this love I was lost before. 

_you'll view the list and take your pick  
you'll view my faith and make a choice  
'cause I'm nobody else's but yours_

I see the look in your eyes now. You caught me before I finished putting on my makeup; you tried to ask me what happened, you wanted me to tell you I was a victim. You're offering me pity without saying a word, and I can't stand it. Well, let me tell you, I am not a victim. I have been saved by the love of a man who wants to help me become a better person, a purer person, a truer person. He recognizes the signs, when I'm beginning to lose sight of my goals, when I'm beginning to sound crazy again. He helps me get back on track. Like Mom, with the blanket--she wanted to make sure I didn't catch cold, so even when I thought the blanket was too heavy and I was too hot, I kept it over me because she had cared enough to put it there, because I understood that sometimes she really did know better. Kevin keeps me in line, because he cares enough about my welfare to snap me out of my moods, my fits of jealousy, my bouts of irrationality. I love him, because he cares.  
  
God gives us what we need.

_and you're in my heart, I can feel you're near  
and you move my mind  
from behind the wheel, when I lose control  
I can only breathe your name..._


End file.
